just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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