just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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