I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
