your thong is hanging out like whoa
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
