At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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