Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
