she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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