Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
