I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
