Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
