I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
