Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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