I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize