Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
