im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
