I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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