Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
