She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
