Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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