a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
