I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
