Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
