yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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