I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
