i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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