I met the friendliest cop last night
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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