I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
