just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
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