Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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