Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
What a dumb baby whore.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
