So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
