I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
