I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
