im six kinds of drunk right now
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
