Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
