Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
