he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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