first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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