If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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