a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
