My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
