too bad you live with your parents still
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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