Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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