just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
