u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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