What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
