Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Randomize
