the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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