my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
