I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
