the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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