Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
