Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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