My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
His hands were made for my vagina.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
