I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
