I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
