I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
