i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
