I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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