My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
