So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
