Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
