I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
