so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
