it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize