it wasn't lemon gatorade
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
