I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
All the doctor said was why
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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