I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
