I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
