I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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